Debating 101 - On NOT Being a Snot

Under certain, specific circumstances, I indicated in my previous posting that I believe using satire and sarcasm to make a point is appropriate and I wouldn't apologize for doing so.

In this posting, I'm going to look at instances when NOT being a snot is not only appropriate but necessary - when eating a large slice of humble pie is the order of the day and a wise debater will get his or her napkin and fork ready.

I'm talking about those occasions when you are - when I am - WRONG.

Everybody makes mistakes - including me. On one memorable occasion, I quoted a source secondarily (meaning the quote was contained within a source other than the original). There wasn't enough context included of the orginal material to ensure the secondary source had used the quote properly and much to my chagrin, the secondary source hadn't used the quote properly at all. On other occasions, my wording hasn't been as precise as it reasonably should have - or could have - been. There have also been times when I've misunderstood my opponent's argument or a specific element of it. Logical fallacies? I've blundered into some of them, probably all of them at one point or another. And hey, there have been times when I've gotten mad and said things I regretted, too.

We all make mistakes.

There's no avoiding it. We can try, of course. Studying logical fallacies (any generic search should turn up a wealth of information to review) is a good way to head off serious blunders and it NEVER hurts to pause before hitting that submit button. Re-read your post in search of ambiguous wording. Better, read it aloud. Your ears will identify stylistic awkwardness, if nothing else - any time you run out of breath, your sentence is way too long. ;-) If you aren't that great at spelling, grammar, or your typing is awful - spell/grammar check are your friends. (If your post is so incoherent or difficult to read that people skip over it, the brilliance of the content won't matter and consistently poor spelling/grammar gives your opponents an ad hom to beat you over the head with.)

But no matter what we do, we are ALL going to louse something up from time to time.

The question isn't if we make a mistake, but rather what we do WHEN we make those mistakes.

A P O L O G I Z E.

It bears repeating:

! ! ! A P O L O G I Z E ! ! !

Please allow me to clarify. An apology usually involves wording along the lines of "I'm sorry" or (for me) "My apologies." Confess your mistake, SPECIFICALLY and EXPLICITLY. Then, apologize. It's that simple.

"I'm sorry, but..." is NOT an apology. "I'm sorry, but..." is a justification. Don't use it. Ever. It's a poor, poor excuse for an apology and only serves as a means of attacking your opponent and/or shifting the blame. You may, of course, explain what provoked your error, but you should only do so if the explanation does not point fingers at your opponent and only in so far as the explanation defines the behavior you are indicating that you will try to avoid repeating in future. (Repentance - ALWAYS repent. The importance of repentance comes into play later.)

"I'm sorry you feel that way" and the like are also just artful dodges. They aren't genuine apologies at all. You're not apologizing for your behavior. You're just saying you're sorry that your opponent felt hurt/angry. That neatly evades your taking responsibility for the behavior that caused the anger/hurt. You aren't owning up to having done anything wrong.

Don't do it.

"I'm sorry" or "my apologies" is short, sweet, and perfectly adequate for putting the unpleasant business behind you. When we're wrong, the experience is humbling enough. Make every effort to prolong the experience as little as possible. Belabor your apology ONLY in those instances when the error you've committed has inflicted serious harm and only if such belaboring would benefit whomever you've wronged. Your apology should always focus on the one(s) you injured - NOT on appeasing your guilty conscience.

Alright.

Now that I've addressed what an apology entails...When is an apology warranted?

Apologize any and every time you make a mistake, no matter how minor (you think) the mistake is, no matter who calls you on it and even if (especially if) NO ONE calls you on it.

Apologize for a minor errors because even though the mistake may seem insignificant to you, the mistake was obviously significant to whoever called you on it. It matters to them. Pointing out that you think it's a petty matter only denigrates your opponent, which is just another form of blame-shifting. Don't do it. The fact that it was minor to you doesn't negate the fact that your mistake MAY have been important to someone else. Even if you suspect your opponent doesn't genuinely consider your mistake important and is only grandstanding to try to make you look bad, confess and apologize. If your opponent is making a show of it, more likely than not, that will be apparent. A sincere apology given to an insincere and exaggerated protest reveals the character and integrity of both parties. Remember that.

If YOU are the one to identify your error, own up to it regardless and as soon as possible. Doesn't matter if your opponent is unlikely to discover your mistake. Confess it, anyway. Doing so preserves the intergrity of your argument. Welcome to the internet - you may win against that specific opponent but a subsequent reader may stumble upon the mistake later. Your goal should never be winning against a specific opponent - your goal should be to prove your position is correct. Leaving an error in your argument...You may win the battle, but you've lost the war.

In the short-term, mistakes are also opportunities for your opponent to criticize your position. Rob him or her of those opportunities as much as possible, especially on those occasions when the criticism is legitimate. YOU want to be the one to identify your mistakes. It leaves you in the driver's seat as far as damage control is concerned.

But what if your opponent is a total jerk? One of those people who will never, ever in a million years admit their own mistakes, much less apologize for them? One of those people who will take an admission of wrong as a club to pummel you with? Someone who will crow giddily about your mistake?

Those are all more reasons TO apologize. For starters, two wrongs don't make a right. The fact that your opponent's behavior is less than exemplary is no reason or excuse to sink to his or her level. Personal integrity is not relative. Live the way you claim to believe. How others act, behave or believe shouldn't ever enter that equation. If you claim to believe in honesty, be honest. If you claim to believe in compassion, be compassionate. If you claim to believe in humility, be humble. If your opponent's behavior is dishonest, uncompassionate and proud, that's their burden. Don't make it yours.

But...Just to show that I'm not completely altruistic...The more your opponent acts like a jerk, the better you'll look in comparison if you resist the urge to respond in kind and in fact go in the complete opposite direction. Trust me, if you're willing to own up to a mistake while your opponent couldn't be forced to confess to a glaring error if you held a gun on him or her, that STRENGTHENS your position. Appearances, sure. Sugar is sweeter than vinegar and the simple fact of the matter is people are more willing to listen to and consider the calm voice of reason rather than the insulting and arrogant jerk. But further than that. If your opponent is unwilling to admit to an obvious error, what about mistakes that aren't so obvious? Ones you (or the reader) may not have picked up on? It casts doubt on your opponent's position because we simply cannot know if there are unidentified contradictions in the position that your opponent is aware of but he or she isn't sharing.

Own up to your mistake. Apologize for it - unconditionally. Indicate you will do your best NOT to repeat your mistake, then follow through on that. (I can guarantee I never quoted secondary sources without adequate context again.) Remember the repentance I noted above? If you've repented - genuinely repented - when your opponent insists on constantly reminding you of your admission of wrong, you are able to point to your sincere repentance and fairly criticize your opponent's unforgiving attitude. Quote your (hopefully humble) apology and any instance that demonstrates your repentance, if you can.

They think beating you with your mistake will make them look good.

They're wrong.

Everybody knows that admitting to, apologizing for and repenting of a mistake isn't wrong, either. Some, however, consider doing so in a debate as a show of weakness. It doesn't have to be. Not at all. Refusal to admit a wrong? That's a weakness. Taking responsibility for our mistakes, that's a strength. Mistakes define our integrity. Let them best exemplify yours.